eradication, pt. 1

it's just that
i was reluctant
but i wonder if i would have told you why why
WHY i felt the sob on the roof of my
mouth
and just barely inside of my
nose
because you must have known that my
tongue
curled and swallowed while my
nostrils
quivered, unlike my
lip
which was secured between my
teeth
to prevent the hideous wrinkling of my
chin
but the swallow got stuck in my
throat
and i started to choke c h o k e   c   h   o   k   e   on my
fingers
which were trying to smother the
sob
before it got lodged in my
heart
and spread through my
veins
somehow avoiding my
tear ducts
opting instead to strangle my
chest
building pressure until the convulsions began to rule my
body
except for my
hands
which hung dead beside my
thighs
and the weight of the truth was about to be Heaved onto your
    --stone-rough, anointed--
Feet
but it was my
eyes
my
EYES
MY
eyes
that never offered up the tears--tucked neatly away--because they would have said too much

maybe i was selfish.
maybe i was brave.