Hope you all had an absolutely delightful easter filled with little chocolate bunnies and a stellar egg hunt. I missed dying easter eggs and wearing a new dress to church this year. This year the "hunt" was more along the lines of searching for people to bring to church. And I looked like a frumpy sister missionary with frizzy hair. Definitely no easter bonnet. I think I get uglier in the mission as each day goes back. Appearance just doesn`t seem to matter that much to me anymore. Either that or I am lazy. Probably the latter.
I have so many easter memories from my life before the mission. Probably the most memorable Easter is when I was 5 and my parents bought Mallory and I matching dresses. We had to go on this huge hunt for our dresses, following clues all around the house and yard. They had hidden the dresses in our giant gold van. I distinctly remember opening the van door and squealing with delight to see our new dresses. Ha. Simple pleasures of life. I am so lucky to have such a rad family. We created so many crazy memories growing up. I could write a book about all the fun things we did.
Anyway, easter here was fairly anticlimactic. No interesting traditions or anything to report. On Friday night there was some big fireworks show that we watched from our 4th floor apartment window. And here they eat this traditional soup every Good Friday called Fanesca. It has 12 ingredients to represent something to do with Easter. Everyone I asked to explain the symbolism gave me a different answer. Some said it had to do with 12 miracles Jesus performed. Some said the 12 apostles. Other said some rich Catholic guy told his servant to make him some soup and Fanesca was the result, so he made it into a tradition that has spread throughout Ecuador. Who knows what the real meaning behind it is.
I made a very important discovery this week, however. I discovered that mangos aren`t as horrific as I thought! Turns out they are absolutely delectable! I ate at least one every single day this week. The only downside are those nasty stringy things that get stuck in your teeth while eating. But so worth it.
Speaking of discoveries...this week I had one of those unforgettable moments of pure epiphany. It`s a little hard to find the words to express all the things I realized this week, but I feel like the Lord blessed me with a small glimpse of what I am doing here on the other side of the world for 18 months.
I am representing the Savior. I am literally called to be His hands and His feet and His voice. I`ve heard it a thousand times before, but until now I didn`t really understand what that meant. As baptized members of His church we promised to take His name upon us. That means we said we would do what He would do in every moment and every situation. We all represent Christ and have the responsibility to act and speak and think as He would (it isn`t just reserved for missionaries). Lots of times we boil this all day to say that we need to be obedient to all the commandments and do what He asks.
But this week I realized there is a big difference between "doing" and "being." I have spent the last 6 months mostly just "being" a missionary. I try to be obedient and do what I am asked. I`m far from perfect, but I am trying. But I spent a lot of time inwardly resenting some things. I had a sort of "grin and bear it" approach. I was serving with my might and my strength, but sort of forgot about the whole serving with your heart part of things. At times I lived for when I could go home for the night and write in my journal, and sometimes the hope of having P-day in 8 days was the only thing that got me through the week. Everyone always talked about how the mission should be the happiest time of your life if you are working hard, but it seemed like the harder I worked the more frustrated I got.
And I realized it was because I wasn`t working because I wanted to work. I was working because someone else was telling me what I had to do. There was no intrinsic motivation because I didn`t understand why I am here.
I had moments nearly every day where I thought it would be easier to just give up. The sun was hot and my feet were tired and no one wanted to listen to us. I had this internal battle every day between what I wanted (a hike in the mountains/a 2 hour nap/food that doesnt include rice/a thousand other things) and what I had to do (walk around all day/talk to everyone/sweat/etc). I did what I had to, but I didn`t do it because I wanted to. I did it because i knew it was right.
My friend here gave me this talk that changed my perspective. The Fourth Missionary by Lawrence Corbridge. He said, "If you`re not happy, if you are frustrated or resentful, look inside. It is within you. Jesus said: The kingdom of God is within you. It is in your head and in your heart. It starts in your head and then your heart follows. As you come to understand that the only way to light, intelligence, strength, capacity, peace, contentment, grace, knowledge, power, happiness, mercy, joy, and every other good thing, is to follow Crist, then you will want to follow Him because it is the only intelligent thing to do. Not because you are a saint, not to please your parents, not because you are better than others, rather, because it is the only intelligent thing to do. When you understand that, then you will forget about yourself, and your will, and your desires will be to do the Lord`s will, because everything and anything else is nuts."
So. I can`t really articulate all that I think and feel about this, but I realized this sort of bizarre truth, that if I give over my entire self - all of it- somehow I will be happy. And so I tried it. I tried not thinking about what I wanted, but I tried to serve with my heart and live every moment here in the mission, instead of thinking about a thousand other places I could be or things I could be doing. And the weird thing is...it worked. I was happier this week and saw more miracles than any other time of the mission. It was liberating. I finally realized the secret to happiness here. "For whosoever will save his life shall lose itñ and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." (Matt 16:25).
Maybe none of this is making sense. Sorry. There are too many things going on in my brain and there is zero time to proofread.
Anyway. Miracles of the week:
1. Missionaries from Cuenca and Loja traveled to Machala on Monday night for a zone conference we had on Tuesday. Hermana Cando (the first hermana I trained) and her companion, Hna Cochran, stayed the night with us. It was so fun to see Hna Cando again and get word on what was happening in Cuenca and everything. Plus it was fun to see the elders I met in other sectors here in the mission.
2. Socializing in the mission world is such a bizarre thing.
3. The lady sitting next to me in this internet cafe keeps laughing hysterically to herselt outloud. Normal...
4. The zone conference we had this week was incredible. Elder Nash, the General Authority from the 70 over this part of South America, and his wife came to Machala for the conference and it was amazing. I learned a lot of things about how to teach with the spirit...and perhaps maybe by the end of 18 months I will get the hang of teaching and be able to do it well. I still feel like an amateur sometimes.
5. The relief society sisters in our ward are amazing. They swarmed us at church yesterday, all trying to make an appointment with us so they could introduce us to nonmember friends and neighbors. This week will be way busy finding new people to teach.
6. Yesterday we were standing on the corner talking to this lady and suddenly I hear some man voice in plain English shout, "Hey, where are you from?" I turned around way startled and there was this American guy standing there with his Ecuadorian wife asking me where I was from. I had a hard time formulating the words in understandable English and got way flustered. Turns out he was from Nashville and has been living in Machala for some time now.
7. Seriously, this lady next to me is cracking me up!! bahaha. I wish I knew what was so funny to make her laugh like that!
Love you all more than pie and ice cream. Have a good week!
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