sometimes i think that the things i cherish the most are the same as the things i fear the most.
examples: people. love. creating. cooking.
i cherish these things (and many more) so deeply and passionately that i develop a fear of failure (disappointing either myself or others).
i fear rejection of other people.
i fear my own ability to love unconditionally.
i fear that things i create will be complete disasters.
i fear spending hours on a meal that will turn out bland or boring.
(i could spend an entire post on why i fear these things, but instead i'll focus on the potential impact fear has on my life.)
the worst thing about fear is that it's paralyzing. if left unattended or ignored, fear leads me to cease doing/pursuing the things that i care about most. i become a stranger in my own skin. the longer this persists, the more helpless i feel in ever being able to figure out where to find my truest/happiest self. i become numb. i walk into a room full of people and act as if none of them exist. i talk myself out of falling in love. i make lists and lists of things i will someday create, with the thought that i actually never will. i secretly buy an embarrassing number of cookbooks, but survive off of instant oatmeal and string cheese.
i haven't quite mastered how to combat the fears that i face daily, but i guess the trick is being willing to make mistakes -- something i have never been particularly good at. my dad recently told me: "merrit. you're going to mess up. don't let your fear of making mistakes keep you from acting. learn from everything and keep moving forward."
it's good to remember how ridiculous it is to live a life absent of the things you treasure most.
No comments:
Post a Comment